I'm getting enough of this.

It’s been 249 days since I last exercised. Thank God I have no physical discomforts, I haven’t lost strength, and my body hasn’t changed, it’s strange. Because what does eat away at me every day is the mental distress.

The reason for all this sedentary time is work. I reached a point where I no longer enjoy programming, something I’m supposed to have always loved, something that has interested me since childhood and lit up my mind on productive days.

I don’t even know how the fuck I’ve enslaved myself like this, I feel like I have to create yet another open source library, add one more frontend detail to the game, build one more app, all just to feel important, even though I need a break and I need to avoid staring at the code editor for days or even weeks.

It’s not just the need for approval driving this, it’s also the money. I’m so obsessed with cash that nothing else makes sense to me without it. Back when I was a kid, there was a song by Jessie J called “Price Tag”:

“It’s not about the money, money, money”

What?? Yes, it is about money, ma’am. It’s YES about the money money. Because if you grew up with nothing, you know it’s true.
I just need money and to make an indie videogame in this lifetime to feel like I’ve fulfilled my purpose.

And well, I acknowledge this mindset is very pessimistic or immoral on my part. But who am I to judge myself?: Myself. Even though I wish I did, I don’t have a religion, nor do I believe in anything that would make me reflect and conclude that coveting money is something I should regret for or ask forgiveness for. I don’t have to believe in God to say “Thank God” or “Amen”

But anyway, I’ve gotten offtopic: the pressure to achieve everything NOW, to be successful at my age, to provide for my family, to eliminate financial hardship, is so intense that I’ve forgotten about myself. I don’t think I can take it anymore honestly. Right now I’m saying, “Fuck, I never want to touch a keyboard again in my life.” I just want to relax for a moment and think.

And indeed, when I relax, Im comfronted with financial struggles, the feeling that I’m not enough, and the comparisons, like seeing some guy 3 years younger than me achieve more in a single year than I have in my entire life. It’s a pretty ugly vicious cycle.

I want to remind you, the reader, that I’m not asking for anything, not empathy, not pity, not money, not an argument over differing opinions, none of that.

I’m sharing this text publicly because this is my own place on the internet. Somehow I hope to improve my situation on my own.